U can NOT stand under MY umbrella…

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. It can happen to both children & men, but it is more common for a woman to be a victim of it… most times a silent victim. For all of the silent victims, I Lift MY voice for YOU. Today in OUR honor, I will be speaking from the only voice I know how… the WOMAN’S VOICE.

Coming to… In a daze I found myself struggling to get up off of the floor, wondering how I got there in the first place. Suddenly, I feel a cold wet face towel being placed upon my bloody mouth. Then I hear his cries… “Baby, I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry Baby, I’m Sorry, I promise, I won’t do it again.” He thought I was dead…

LOVE DON’T HURT

It kills something inside of your spirit as a woman when a man beats you. The emotional scars are way deeper than the physical scars because memories remain forever. It HURTS!!! It is so damaging & toxic. It is something that we are either ashamed of (or) strangely choose to wear like a badge of honor. It’s an Addiction. When you cannot leave the one that’s hurting you… it’s an addiction. It’s Fear. It’s Financial. It’s your Children you have together. It’s the Sex. It’s below level Self-Esteem. It’s Reliance & Dependency. It’s Control. It’s a Cycle. It HURTS!!!

I NEED SOME WINDEX 4 THIS WINDOW

People often ask why would a woman stay in an abusive relationship… why won’t she just leave? I am here to tell you that leaving is easier said then done. People are so quick to say what they would (or) would not do. We automatically start passing judgement. I can just here some of you, “Girrrrrrrrrllllllllllllllll… if that was ME… yadda-yadda-yadda!” Newsflash: It ain’t YOU. So you can say whatever you wish, but YOU are not the one being abused. Being on the outside looking in… WE (the observers) do not see the entire picture. We do not know what goes on behind a couples closed doors. ~Planning my Escape~ Is a safe house really safe? Do I need to prepare a year in advance before I bolt? Am I suppose to have a hidden pre-packed suitcase containing copies of all my important documents, keys, stashed money, clothes, running shoes & possibly a disguise? I gotta remember to inform one friend whom I can trust, do my research & then just wait for him to leave. Escaping this right here is HARD!!! Is the glass on my windows clear??? Who has the windex???


WHEN WAS THIS TREE PLANTED???

The roots of abuse run very deep. Violence could be a family (and/or) environmental vicious cycle bred from centuries ago. Certain behavior patterns continue to grow, manifest, fester & branch out. Much like the limbs on branches of an old tree with deeply planted roots within the earth. It’s not always passed down. It can form & take on many shapes springing from unconscious (or) subconscious insecurities. Anger, power & control issues are just a few things that can be factors as well. The hands of the abuser may feel that it is a “normal” reaction, therefore seeing nothing “wrong” in the act. What defines a MAN??? Do you know your ROOTS & who planted them???

IS HE CUTE OR UGLY???

Just like a seriel killer… a woman beater does not look a certain way. He does not have one particular profile. We cannot draw or sketch his composite. He can be cute & fine as hell (or) tore up from the floor up & ugly as fuck. The prettyboys, the quiet layed-back, squeaky clean image, church going, preacher kid, etc… type can have a dark side too. Most everyone has a dark side. Trust me when I say, a man that can & will kick yo ass… does not have a sign on his forehead forewarning you in advance. His short fused, quick tempered, mood swings & Mike Tyson fist abilities very well may not be displayed. This is just a reminder that what we see visually (the pretty airbrushed picture) is not always the accurate picture (the unexposed film/negative). Remember the old saying, “Never Judge a Book by It’s Cover.” So don’t be so shocked ladies & gentlemen when the darkness comes to the light about certain people. The very one you would have never ever thought would have done something like that is the very one who did something like that.

I’M A WOMAN

I don’t care what a woman may have done (unless she tried to kill you or something), she don’t deserve to catch a beat down by NO man like she is a damn man. I grew up fighting boys & will go toe to toe wit a muh’fucka… but @ the same time I know I’m a woman, I’m not physically stronger than a man & I can’t whup no man (unless he’s a fuck’n weakling) point blank. I know when to fall back & no… it’s not about “staying in my place”. I am a WOMAN. “Who Can Find A Virtuous Woman? For Her Price Is Far Above Rubies.” PROVERBS. I like the way Judge Penny Brown put it, she said… "Live Life to the fullest, but there's some things you don't want to go beneath the DIGNITY of who YOU are as a LADY.” Walk in a way that when someone looks @ YOU… they feel proud. No matter how rough the road is that I walk on… I walk in Dignity & Grace. Do NOT allow a MAN to steal your JOY. Hold On 2 YOU & never let YOU Go!!!

YOUR MAN

He might be handsome, charming, educated, talented, nice & respectful in PUBLIC & when others are around. But only YOU alone knows what HE is like in PRIVATE. You see a side of him that no-one else gets to see… the good, the bad & the ugly. People wonder what it is that you see in him anyway. He might not like your friends or your family. Have you become distant, excluding yourself from everyone except for him? He may question who you talk to & what you talk about (ex: on the phone (or) in person). Does he know your private voicemail p.i.n.# & your various online profile or email passwords? He could be reading your journals. Maybe he demands to know where you’re going (or) where you’ve been all day long. Is he making you stay @ home? He no longer likes how you dress (key word = no longer) he thinks it’s too provocative & wants to select clothes he feels are appropriate for you. Does he want you to be “totally submissive” to his every command? Are you helping to blow his head up with that lame old wack ass, “I’m the KING of MY Castle” bullshit & he’s the one living with you? Is he fuckin around on you & you know it & you’re stayin??? Please don’t tell me that he done went out & had a baby on you & he’s back! All of the above are just a “few” questions WE might need to ask OURSELVES.

THE THINGS HE DOES

Usually it starts off subtle… fussin @ you, calling you names, cussin you out, a slight grab, push, tug or shake. Then… with time comes escalation & modifications. Putting you out of the car, locking you out of the house, pulling your hair, slapping your face, holding you down, making you fuck & suck him, tying you up (yes… with ropes), choking you, spitting in your face, whuppin you with a belt, kicking & stomping you with his Timberlands, putting knives to your throat, guns to your head, burning you with cigarettes, blunts, curling irons, chicken grease, grits or whatever. By the way, this list goes on & on & on… getting more creative within the abusers sick & warped mindthoughts & fear of losing his control over you.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE 2 DO???

You don’t want to call 911 because you don’t want him to go to jail. You don’t want to live without him. You don’t want to die @ his hands, yet & still… you know “deep down” that one day he is going to kill you. Maybe by accident or maybe not. Wondering how did I get here. Wondering how am I gonna get outta here. You want to get out of your current situation. Are you in denial? Can you face reality? It Is What It Is. You think no-one knows. You’ve begun to withdraw. You’re hiding the bruises. You stop looking in the mirror. You cannot believe this is YOU! You feel ugly. Your self esteem diminishes. You don’t love yourself. Did you know that while he is abusing you… you in turn are suffering from spiritual self-abuse??? Your friends & family have stopped fooling with you. You feel all alone… even in a room full of people. No-one Understands!!! YOU LOVE HIM... YOU LOVE HIM... YOU LOVE HIM…


EYE’S WIDE SHUT

OPEN YOUR EYES!!! The eyes are the reflection into the soul. I always look @ a persons eyes because they help me to determine certain things about them. They speak even when the mouth is closed. They reveal so much about a person unbeknownst to them. That… far away look, distant, lost, longing, happy, crazy, sad, hungry, playful, serious, lustful, brilliant, blank, scared, mean, kind, confused, dead, alive LOOK. The EYES. What I LOVE the most about The EYES is when I see GOD in them. Let me tell you something… the red flags are always there from the very beginning, we just choose to ignore them. A lot of times it’s because we simply don’t want to be alone. WE WANT A MAN!!! We feel like we can’t live without a man in our life… no matter if he ain’t about shit. The old saying use to go something like this, “Half a man is better then NO MAN at all!” So we settle. We settle for the lies & dishonesty, the verbal, mental & physical abuse, the philandering man-whorish type ways he possesses. We Settle for Less. Some of us actually like “Bad Boys”… you lonely & depressed… you need a THUG in our LIFE. Hey-Aaa… Hey-Aaa... Hey-Aaa… Give Em’ Da Finguh!!! I know about that mentality. It’s hard to see clearly when you have two black eyes… EYES WIDE SHUT. After the swelling goes down… go to the mirror, open them slowly, focus and look @ YOUR REFLECTION... FIND YOURSELF in it. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. OWN IT. LOVE YOU. Move Forward. Never Go Backwards. YOU CAN FLY!!! Believe It. Believe in YOU.

IT HURTS SO GOOD

It is not easy to admit & although it might sound strange to some… an abused woman has distorted thought patterns that we use to convince ourselves of an unrealistic reality. Our minds think differently than a woman who has never been abused. We have thoughts like… “He wouldn’t hit ME if He didn’t LOVE ME”, “I must’ve did something to deserve this”, “I should’a just kept my mouth shut.” What is more shocking than anything else is that after years of being abused many women get use to it, become numb to it, instigate or provoke it & secretly get off on it. We become “Pain Freaks”. We start digging the pain, delusionally inwardly saying… “It hurts so good, It’s a good pain.” What’s the matter? Dare I speak my mind? Yep… I said it!!! I know… I know… my previous statements sound harsh & may offend some people, yet there is TRUTH in it. Like it or not ~ it is TRUE for some. It is TRUE. Unless you have been (or) are being abused, the reality is… you probably cannot relate. All I can say is… if one person out there reading this may have needed to hear that for them to say… “NO MORE!!!”, then MY intentions have been recognized.


FINAL THOUGHTS 4 NOW:

I write this blog just to say… I find absolutely NO amusement in the Chris Brown & Rihanna situation. The rumor mills, gossip blogs, media sensationalism & unknown FACTS are not entertainment too me. We need to put all speculations aside & allow the TRUTH to emerge & work itself out. The police report is a public record, and the streetz know that the leaked photo was an inside job (the stop snitching code on naming names still applies… even with the police ~ I got an idea for a new reality show called… “Police Who Carry Camera-Phones”). Other then that no-one knows the FACTS except for him & her. If Chris did indeed assault her (which is not as unbelievable as one might think). Then the saying, “Never Judge a Book by It’s Cover” can be applied to this drama. My heart goes out to Rihanna. I pray for the both of them (he probably feels bad about it now, especially since the whole world knows). I ain’t gone lie & pretend that I’m not pissed off @ him for putting his hands on her “allegedly”. He was wrong & he admittedly needs help/prayer/counseling & that’s a start. Whether anyone feels his apology is sincere & half assed is irrelevant. As far as him being all squeaky clean… like I said before, I always look @ a persons eyes. Honestly… his eyes look mean to me, whether he’s flashing a colgate smile or not… his eyes say something different than his smile. That’s just my opinion. Regardless of what we think (or) feel… we need to respect their privacy & consider the pain, embarrassment & humiliation that she must be feeling at this time. What if it were you??? I know if it was ME… I’d go into hiding for a bit. The cameras & the questions alone would be the number one reason me making that decision. I hope after this, she finds the strength to say to him… “U can NOT stand under MY umbrella.”

* So for now… I’ll exit @ this time on this subject because I’m tired, It’s too much & plus if I keep going… this could actually turn into a book…